Nesselrod Bed and Breakfast Gardens and Guesthouse hosts weddings and other formal celebrations, both indoor and outdoor parties at the guesthouse and in the formal gardens.

Nesselrod offers...

"Sheer indulgence at reasonable rates"

"An experience of pitch perfect luxury"

August 26, 2005

Nesselrod on the New Tel. (540)731-4970

P.O. Box 417
7535 Lee Highway
Radford, Virginia
24143-0417

Written By Cheryl Gillespie,
Owner of Nesselrod on the New

When the prospective bride walks through the door is she accompanied by her maid of honor, her mother or, as I would hope, her husband to be? I have been impressed that if the bride's mother is along, making many of the decisions, it often becomes the mother's wedding. If the bridal couple makes the first visit, watching them make important decisions and choices is often indicative of how they will continue this process as they begin their married life together.

Why is it in our culture that weddings seem to bring out the best in families as well as the worst? I believe there are many factors that contribute to this rather schizophrenic roller coaster of emotions. More emphasis should be placed on planning the marriage than planning the wedding.

This focus on the wedding, and often expenses that exceed the bride's budget, literally sets the stage for a production, now even requiring a "director" for the ceremony and "planner" for the event. Professional wedding consultants can be useful in helping couples with budgets, details and diplomatic issues with families, all of which can reduce stress. As creative as planners may be, this is still the couple's event, not a production. Drama is best on stage; weddings are celebrations.

I recently had the privilege of attending a wedding in the fairytale setting of Monaco. I was the only American guest with twelve other countries represented. I was quite delighted that a wedding, which took place in the cathedral where Princess Grace was married, was a rather casual and spontaneous ceremony. Elegance and taste was in abundance.

There was never a rehearsal for the wedding; the priest gently guided the starry eyed couple through their vows, which were meaningfully said for the first time, rather than being rehearsed. The relaxed atmosphere continued through the kiss with the typical few guests even giggling in the cathedral. The priest's response was to suggest that since the couple's guests enjoyed the kiss, they should do it again! Ah, the French!

This wedding and the coordination of many international guests did require attention to the details and planning. However, there was never a feeling that this was the most important day of the bride's life and one that had to be perfect. I am beginning to believe that a scheduled rehearsal, rather than decrease anxiety, may only serve to heighten the stress. After all, if you've practiced for an event, you feel as if you shouldn't miss your cue or stand in the wrong position.

As a marital therapist, now also creating weddings, I've given considerable thought how to encourage the couple to enjoy planning the wedding, but to also enjoy planning the marriage. Most research studies show that few couples feel a need for premarital counseling, even though some religions and ministers require a few sessions. The engaged couple is often in that romantic stage of love. You're often not in love with who the other person really is, only who you project them to be based on your needs, or worse, who you think you can change them to be. At Nesselrod on the New, my staff emphasizes the beginning of the marriage for the couple, not just a big party. For example, following the ceremony in the garden the couple is sequestered in a lovely bridal dressing room for a few minutes alone to contemplate what they have just promised each other.

Premarital stress and wedding anxiety can be minimized not only by remembering the purpose of the occasion, but with thoughtful and cooperative decision making as a couple and including the family, when appropriate. I've often heard the bride hesitate with decisions simply because her parents are paying. Obviously, that is a consideration, but again, this is the couple's wedding. Every bridal couple has a budget and working within the budget can eliminate problems throughout the process and even guilt later on.

There are many ways to reduce expenses and bridal books often provide practical suggestions that cut costs. The obvious place to start is by the often painful procedure of eliminating guests. The time of day, the wedding venue and reception package, particularly the catering menu can also make a difference. A significant cost is often the choice of alcohol, whether it's a full bar service or just beer and wine, with a champagne toast. Even the length of the reception can increase the final bill.

However, there is another more important reason to limit the length of the "party". A recent study revealed that many bridal couples do not have sex on their wedding night. They are often too tired, too stressed and the combination of alcohol and not eating at their own reception is not a romantic prelude for an intimate sexual experience. As a sexual therapist, I've heard many couples despair over the lingering guilt and disappointment of the "unconsummated wedding night." Viagara, versus the usual chocolates. If spirits are lagging due to wedding stress, literally the "turn down service" should often be a loving mutual decision just to cuddle. The morning after can be the most relaxing and meaningful time in which to begin your sexual life together in marriage.

In fact, honeymoons are often best delayed for 24 hours to give the couple time to fully rest, say goodbyes and savor the last few moments of the wedding if they are staying at the reception site, particularly if it's held at the inn. A rushed getaway to an airport hotel is often a precedent for a harried life together. Taking time for each other in the beginning creates new beginnings for love to continue to flourish and prevents marriages from ending. The best of marriages are a lifetime of beginnings.

Cheryl Gillespie is the owner of Nesselrod on the New, a luxury inn in Radford, Virginia that specializes in lodging, weddings and special occasions. She is also a practicing marriage therapist with Virginia Highlands Health Associates.